Thoughts and musings

Reason

Thinking about going back to school next year to get my MFA. trying to put my finger on the reason. Have I failed as a photographer? Am I trying to better myself? Do I just want to go back and have fun for two years? Am I running from something? If so, what?

Sunday

Had a great day shooting on Sunday. I posted a few earlier and should post more later. They haven’t been “worked” yet but I think they still are a good preview.

Get

I’m lost and I need to get somewhere. I know most of my followers follow me for my photography and very sadly there’s not much of that lately.
Things have changed and I’m trying to get back to a place of creativity again. I’m failing in that endeavor. Somethings just aren’t working like they did before and I need to find a different path. I guess it’s more appropriate to say different paths.
It’s difficult to know where to go. I guess the knowing isn’t too important. I just need to go.

I break apart

When I slow down and think about you and what has happened I break apart. It doesn’t matter if it’s for the best, I don’t hold together. Things slip and that ache fills into my chest, and behind my eyes. The strength that is left only wants to work towards repairing the situation and it’s blind work is just reopening the wound.

I will push through. I will.

I only hope that I can recover most of the pieces as I heal up. I want to continue to believe in things unseen. I want to keep romantic ideals and goals. I want to believe in sanctuary, the soul, and being special.

I’m making this harder that it has to be. More painful than it has to be. I’m trying to keep something alive because as long as it lives there’s the potential for more. It’s silly but I have to believe in a chance, no matter how remote or painful it is. I’ll sacrifice a portion of my self for the potential; because life is worth living if there exists a hope for a better tomorrow.

“Life without hope renders any action meaningless.” -Phillip Nutman

I will heal and I will still dream.

Elusive Sleep

It’s been a long day. Lots of running around. I ran a mile and half around noon. Then I had lunch with my mother and photographed my cousin’s newborn daughter after that. Then I zipped home to gather my soccer stuff for an indoor game and went to play. I ran a lot, grabbed dinner and then worked photos. It’s been a busy twelve hours, with lots of physical activity thrown in so… Why am I not sleeping?

I think it’s because my mind is thinking about her. Even when I know she wasn’t at the forefront, I’m thinking she was in the back of my mind. I think it’s almost over and probably should be. But that’s not really making it easier.

I’m not really emotional I just can’t seem to drift off. I don’t even feel all that tired.

I guess I need to make peace with it in my mind. She’s moving on. She’s not willing to wait and I’m not ready to go where she wants to. So, it’s best to part ways. I think.

Still, emotion always gets weird. You can act logically and know what you are supposed to do but, that pang in your heart won’t let you or at least won’t make it easy.

I’ve stared making changes some in my life. Trying to set a course to get back to a life I can be proud of once again. The last five years have had some really nice accomplishments. But the luster has faded some from those dreams and the path that seemed so sharp and clear has begun to become overgrown and abandoned.

I listened to Blind Melon’s “Change” tonight several times. It’s my favorite song by them and one that I hope will played at my funeral many, many years from now. The song sums up so much about how I feel about life.

I think a change is coming. I think I need to embrace it and look to different avenues. Of course I’ll still be creative but I think for a moment I began to wonder about slowing down; living a “normal” life. However, there’s always that call. A siren song that pulls me to create.

It’s not that I can’t be creative and settle down also but, I think I need to be more prepared for the latter. At the moment I’m far from capable in that department. I’m trying to set into motion a life that can provide stability and yet still allow me to feed my soul artistically. It’s going to take time and she’s not waiting.

She’s in someone else’s bed tonight and it bothers me. Even if “nothing happens” it’s still a pretty major act. Actions speak louder than words.

Of course our situation is deeper than a few paragraphs can define and by no means am I the only one who has been wronged in this relationship. We’ve each done our share of damage to one another.

In my head I’m not succumbing to visions, depression or anger. However there’s something beneath the surface that I imagine won’t let my mind shut down. I hope that by writing these thoughts I can find that elusive sleep.