Elusive Sleep
It’s been a long day. Lots of running around. I ran a mile and half around noon. Then I had lunch with my mother and photographed my cousin’s newborn daughter after that. Then I zipped home to gather my soccer stuff for an indoor game and went to play. I ran a lot, grabbed dinner and then worked photos. It’s been a busy twelve hours, with lots of physical activity thrown in so… Why am I not sleeping?
I think it’s because my mind is thinking about her. Even when I know she wasn’t at the forefront, I’m thinking she was in the back of my mind. I think it’s almost over and probably should be. But that’s not really making it easier.
I’m not really emotional I just can’t seem to drift off. I don’t even feel all that tired.
I guess I need to make peace with it in my mind. She’s moving on. She’s not willing to wait and I’m not ready to go where she wants to. So, it’s best to part ways. I think.
Still, emotion always gets weird. You can act logically and know what you are supposed to do but, that pang in your heart won’t let you or at least won’t make it easy.
I’ve stared making changes some in my life. Trying to set a course to get back to a life I can be proud of once again. The last five years have had some really nice accomplishments. But the luster has faded some from those dreams and the path that seemed so sharp and clear has begun to become overgrown and abandoned.
I listened to Blind Melon’s “Change” tonight several times. It’s my favorite song by them and one that I hope will played at my funeral many, many years from now. The song sums up so much about how I feel about life.
I think a change is coming. I think I need to embrace it and look to different avenues. Of course I’ll still be creative but I think for a moment I began to wonder about slowing down; living a “normal” life. However, there’s always that call. A siren song that pulls me to create.
It’s not that I can’t be creative and settle down also but, I think I need to be more prepared for the latter. At the moment I’m far from capable in that department. I’m trying to set into motion a life that can provide stability and yet still allow me to feed my soul artistically. It’s going to take time and she’s not waiting.
She’s in someone else’s bed tonight and it bothers me. Even if “nothing happens” it’s still a pretty major act. Actions speak louder than words.
Of course our situation is deeper than a few paragraphs can define and by no means am I the only one who has been wronged in this relationship. We’ve each done our share of damage to one another.
In my head I’m not succumbing to visions, depression or anger. However there’s something beneath the surface that I imagine won’t let my mind shut down. I hope that by writing these thoughts I can find that elusive sleep.
